tis 2 days was kind of a big nightmare tht i have.. if i really was in a nightmare.. pls let me out of tis.. who can save me out from tis terrible nightmare..

15/07/2008

busy studying at office and do some invoice and quotations..

den at evening went to school.. reach at 7.30pm and andy huang tell me he will be late..

i went in and sit together wif shernise.. den was listening to what the teacher says cos is all exam impt points.. but end up 8plus teacher release us and say thts the end of the lesson liaos.. den andy huang say he reaching soon.. so me and shernise waited for him outside at the back gate.. and i was toking happily wif shernise abt alot things while waiting.. den andy reached and he say he go eat dinner 1st.. den ask us to take our book along cos he wana noe whats the impt points.. i helped him to note out those points tht teacher said.. den he order a very big plate of food and ask us to share.. i at 1st reject cos i ate bread at class liaos.. end up both come and say me cos they almost every lesson lookin at me taking bread as dinner nia.. whn the big plate of food come.. andy put a small plate in front of me.. and took some of each type of food and put into the plate in front of me.. den shernise keep on beside say eat la.. cos she cant bear to see me everytime hand trembling.. i dun wana let them worried abt me.. so i ate it.. and ordered mango juice too.. after eating.. we was toking abt our life things.. as usual i cant share wif them abt my problems.. cos i dun wana them to get worried.. and so instead of i say.. i turn to ask shernise to say.. and was toking abt her life all the while.. in the middle of the conversation.. they realise tht my face expression changed after lookin at a sms.. they both noe abit of what happened to me b4.. and 1st time i cried in front of classmate at may or june.. oso in front of them.. they guess tio what happened to me again.. and even ask me to dun cry and andy keep tryin to make me smile.. i did make myself smile and continue tokin to them.. i keep telling myself.. i cannt lidat..

den send shernise till her hse there.. and bcos i noe they both on car sure will keep an wei me.. i act tht i was asleep on the car.. until shernise got down.. andy woke me up.. and keep suan me say isit i wana cry again.. i noe he's tryin to make me laugh wif all his cold jokes.. den whn reach his hse area there.. at 1st the plan is i taking cab and go home from tht area.. den end up.. bcos i saw tht sms.. sayin abt the someone will be putting things outside my hse door again and he will hang ard my hse area.. i dun dare to go home liaos.. my mum was calling me asking me what time goin home and i bluff her i reaching soon.. end up andy accompany me talk for awhile at the void deck.. and i reli reli duno what sld i do.. end up cos he's too tired but i still cannt go home.. he force himself to be awake to stay down there.. i was all the way tinking wat sld i do.. until i nv realise tht.. hais.. what have i done to shernise and andy again.. isnt tht i wana be strong and happi in front of them.. this diploma lesson is goin to be all over le.. i jus wana leave some happi smiles image in front of them.. and even after the diploma.. we might be meeting out lesser.. but at least i wun be oni leaving the crying image to them.. end up i push myself to try to make fun of andy.. i noe he can see tht im forcing myself to do tht.. and he stop me halfway and tell me to go home.. cos my mum called me again and tell me she still waiting for me.. my mum 1st time waited me till 1am plus still dun wana slp sia.. i made her worried abt me again.. after tht call.. i was still tinkin sld i go home or not.. end up while im thinking.. andy snatched my bag and fetch a cab and ask me to go home 1st.. dont worry abt the things.. and whn i reach home sms him to tell him..

while in the cab my tears dropped finally.. i was feeling so terrible.. keep on thinking tht my hse area there... the fear tht came into me.. is even bigger than the fear for any of the perverts or what ard my hse area.. whn i reach my hse bus stop there.. my every step was walking so heavily.. i keep thinking what sld i do.. den i told myself.. tis is my hse lehs.. what am i scared of.. i nv went home b4 wif such a fear.. last time bcos of the other ex.. i oso got scared of all tis.. but tht time wendy due to both of us nothing to do.. she always send me till hse door den go off.. but now im all alone facing all tis.. wanted to call wendy or whoever to talk to me on fone while i walking home.. but end up i scared tht everyone was asleep.. alot got work and sch.. every single step i took.. i took a deep breath.. heavy step.. till all the way to my hse door.. whn i walk into my room.. i relieved a very big breath.. but my tears started to drop..

after i get changed all tht.. i started to tink.. all tis cannt continue.. if continue lidat.. all the precious people ard me will sooner or later start to worry abt me le.. i cant let my family noe anything.. if not my mum will be very worried abt me.. i dun wana see her cry for me anymore.. my phone was receiving slow messages and no reception.. i oso dunno the reason.. but i oni noe tht.. i woke up i realise.. there's alot of messages and even voicemail from shernise and andy.. end up i still made them worried abt me again..

16/07/2008

was thinkin what sld i do whn on the way to office.. and i was thinking.. if im able to get him out of the memories tht he wanted to stay in oni.. will maybe really start him his new life and i oso can really solve all tis and live a simple life.. if he can start a new life.. im really sincere tht i can be a frd for him to lend him a listening ear or gib some suggestions if he neds help in any problem.. but all he wants is go out wif him.. im so confirm for myself tht i really cannt make myself to go out wif him.. cos the fear there.. ytd nite oni he tell me he was at my hse area.. im oredi shivering.. cannt imagine wht will happened if i agreed to go out wif him..

was tryin to tell him tht get a brand new life for himself.. cos is really better for him.. den end up he jus wana stay at the dreamland tht he created for himself.. wif jus the memories of the past.. i dunno what can i do.. and what i can say de i oredi said le.. i tot tht i will jus tell him to go tink abt it more... and if he started to have the will to wana try to change.. he can come tell me anytime in msn.. end up i told him b4 he have the will to wana try to change.. dun ned come and gimme anything at my hse door or stay at my hse area here.. end up he told me he will go there as long as he like and feels like.. and oso he will put things outside my hse whenever he want.. i cant imagine the life ahead for me now.. the moment he said this.. i was full of different emotions.. the anger.. the sadness.. the fears.. i cannt describe oni by words how painful is my feeling at tht point of time.. i can ever curse myself to die b4 21yrs old jus to ask him dun come to my hse area all tis.. jus tis small part of area.. let me stay peacefully ard this small area wif my family.. thts all i wanted now.. i can let everyone scold me.. i can even scold myself.. i can let him scold all he wants.. he wan scold me what i oso wun mind.. i jus hope for tht small peace.. end up no matter wht i said still no use.. he still insist as the place is not i buy de.. ya i noe is not i buy de.. but i lived there so many yrs le.. and living in amk is since the day i born.. i nv say whole amk he cannt come.. is jus i hope he wun be always stayin ard my hse area.. cos i cannt imagine everyday whn i go home.. i ned to go home wif fear.. and ard my hse area.. all those places tht i like.. wun be able to go anymore.. i asked him to sms me what he wants me to do so tht he wun always come to my hse area here and oso let me live in oni tis small piece of area peacefully.. he gave me the answer.. is what i expected.. is still go out wif him or gib him a chance..

whn i was on car.. i looked out the window.. lookin at the nite sky.. my tears dropped.. today my tears dropped alot.. during office wif his conversation.. in car.. i looked up the sky.. tinkin what can i do.. i really jus wished to have tis kind of simple life tht i used to have.. he really wins.. in the way.. i cannt be strong anymore.. at least not for recently.. i cried all the way.. my dad drop me at the carpark there.. and i didnt dare to face my dad.. cos of my cryin face.. i faster jus walk off.. and i sitted at my hse downstairs.. i cannt stop the tears whn i was smsing him to tell him and beg him.. tell him my those fears tht i have for him.. beg him to gimme back all tis.. i really dunno where else can i go.. i cant leave my parents alone.. i cannt bcos of myself.. want whole family to move out from amk area too.. i cant able to leave tis country oso due to my exams.. and how much time can i stay away.. even i run to anywhere.. i still cant leave singapore.. im really like a lost little girl whn i was sitting downstairs.. tears dropping and keep lookin ard.. i looking ard cos i scared he was ard the area again.. i keep tryin to stop the tears.. and i put alot of concealer and foundation tryin to cover the crying side.. so tht i able to go home and didnt have to let my mum worried abt me.. end up i finally can go up.. went straight into my room.. and start to drop tears again.. but awhile oni my sis started to knock the door.. den i faster try to stop from cryin again and got changed and went out..

went to the toilet and at 1st wana eat dinner liaos.. my mum shout at me saying someone finding me.. passing message de.. actually whn i went to toilet i saw ppl knocking door.. i oredi got tht feeling tht all the things tht i tried to protect will be gone today liaos.. my mum still say me i know woodland de ppl mehs.. why so serious lidat again.. den end up i saw is moses.. actually i was relieved at 1st.. tht wasnt the main person.. if not.. i tink i will go mad.. but moses end up sayin he wanted to talk to me abt things like the main person owe me the money all tht kind of probs.. my mum heard it.. and i noe i failed again.. im prepared to let my mum scold whn the nxt time i face her again.. she even say me in front of moses.. sayin i very rich mehs.. everywhere lend ppl money.. end up alwAys tio tis kind of problems.. i dun wana let my mum hear all my problems.. so i took the keys and ask moses to move to another place to talk.. my mum at 1st dun let me go out of the hse to talk.. but i insist.. cos i got no choice.. i dun wana let her tink her small nuer is so useless.. and so big difference wif my sister.. my sister nv have tis kind of probs b4.. yet in my life.. so many.. till she cannt stop worrying abt me..

i at 1st tot moses is here to tell me off.. end up actually he was jus here to understand what happened.. i told him all the things tht happened.. at least finally there's someone to let me say out all the fears and sadness.. and what kind of simple little life tht i jus wana have.. he understand whn i say i jus wana protect my family.. he say he can see tht my mum cannt stop worrying abt me.. from the way my mum reacts.. i told him those fears.. he can see from myself oso.. although 1st time i saw him oni.. bt since someone who noes all tis things.. come to understand from me what happened.. i told him whatever i was thinking.. at 1st i was talking wif tears keep dropping.. till he gave me tissue.. and i realise my mum keep looking out.. den i faster stopped.. and talk wif him nicely wifout tears.. i forced myself to stop the tears.. i oso dunno y i jus said out all the things tht i feel abt recently to him.. actually i dunno he came to help him or what de.. but i jus say out all.. cos i oredi failed in hiding from my parents.. somemore whole family knows i gt prob again.. i even told moses... my life is being destroyed.. in jus tis few mths.. i being tryin to get strong and stronger.. but jus tht tis time round.. i really cannt le.. i asked him.. what sld i do.. since he noes how i feel and how i fear abt the things now.. although there is still no ans abt how am i able to stop all tis things.. but at least got someone who is able to listen to me say out all and oso understands abt how im feeling de..

i told him oso.. tis is not the 1st time.. due to my relationship de things.. make my parents worried abt me every single day.. and even ppl come up to my hse jus for me and all kinds of things.. since 1st June.. i really forced myself to be strong to face everything.. and i wana gib my mum see tht her small nuer oso got stronger and can handle all by her own le.. wana go for all the studies for my own future and oso to let my mum realise i started to get hardworking and i wana let her can be able to rest well soon after i got a better income stable job.. all i study is jus wana gib my family a better easier life.. my parents everyday worked so hard.. and my mum nv even buy things to gib her own much.. all her salary goes to tis family and house.. i wan to let her rest more and my dad oso.. so i got myself the motivation to study all the way and go out to find a good stable job to take over the help tis house.. say till here i really cant stop cryin.. why i was living wif such a stong mindset of studying and the motivation.. yet in jus 1 nite.. everything seems like get alot further from me.. i told him i might be naive sometimes and he knows.. but he say he understand tht is actually senseable.. he's the 1st person who is ard the someone de.. who told me tht he understand the things i wanted to do..

God.. pls tell me what i can do to stop all tis.. i really out of methods and i oredi being very very depressed le.. i being cryin non stop from ytd nite till even now.. 10.40am le.. im still cryin.. isit im so bad to get all tis retribution??? to get all tis things happening to me.. if i really ned to give so much retribution.. can u jus give me other retribution?? i rather u take away my legs or my hands.. or my eyes or whatever.. rather than gimme all tis kind of things.. i will nv eat steak or beef all tht anymore.. as long u let me out of all tis.. what u wan me to do i oso willing.. pls help me god.. i really got no one to go to le.. i have learnt my lesson.. i wont anyhow let other ppl noe abt my hse and the area le.. i jus wan u to help me tis time.. i really dunno what else i can do le.. all i ask for is tht he will let me go.. let me live peacefully.. he tells me he loves me.. but tis love.. is really too heavy and scary for me.. why he jus cannt realise.. how much fear he has given me.. he chose not to let go of me.. but he says he loves me.. if i really be wif him.. i will be oni cheating on him.. i dun wana bluff him jus to get myself safe.. i dun wana give him fake hope tht still got chance.. but moses was telling me at least gib him 1% of chance.. or else he wont gib up de.. mus i really do tht? i dun wana bluff him.. but i more wanted to get back the peace..

what is love?? is this really called as love too?? no matter what he do to me.. even i will be so sad so mad or so depress.. he still jus wana do it.. all he wants is to patch back wif him to prove tht he loves me.. but why he jus nv realise tht.. he loves me... but i got no love feeling for him.. oni those fears for him.. is this really gona work out.. im definitely 100% cfm tht i wont have anymore love feeling for him le... moses say mayb i nv gib him a very confirm answer to him.. thts y he still putting hope tht can be back together.. i oredi told moses.. i did told him.. 100% definitely wont be able to work out.. but jus he cant take it.. if i really sacrifice my own happiness and go back to him.. but whn together.. i wont be the one who will able to give him any love.. will oni be the body of me who will be beside him.. is that really what he want?? thts what i mean.. isnt tht if really love tht person.. if tht person really found a new love or what.. as long the person we love is happy.. we sld really "zhu fu" them de mehs?? what he can gain from making me sad or scared oni? i being tryin so hard for tis 2mth plus.. in the end i still lost.. what is his love all abt?? i oso not sure le.. he loves which part of me?? isit heart?? mind?? or body?? cant be everything of me.. cos if he loves everything of me.. he wun be doin all tis even though he's hurting me so much till i become lidat.. he wun even say tht he wun care anything even if i got new bf.. he will jus do what he wants and he likes.. even my happiness is gone from me.. my own smiles gone from me.. he will jus do it..

whn midnite 12am plus.. moses went off.. i went in msn.. and straight after i went in.. jayce came to msn me.. she asked me abt things.. and i told her what happened.. although i wont use her suggestion.. even though alot of my frds all tell me the same thing.. i jus dun wana be so heartless.. but i oso really dunno what can i do.. i jus wana help him to get on to his own life.. so that he can realise tht in life lots of things are waiting for him to do.. i jus cant bear to see him lidat and wana let him wake up and work hard for his own future and for his mum.. i oso got tell moses tht i respect her mum really alot.. her mum to me is a very nice mother oso.. even though she nv saw me b4.. from what i know abt her.. she's a very wei da de mother..

17/07/2008

early in the morning whn my mum wake me up.. i dont dare to go out of my room until my mum went to work.. i cant able to make myself face her now.. i dunno what sld i say.. whn i walking down to wait for my dad.. my sis was asking me what happened.. hais.. i cant make myself tell her all the things.. i oso wana behave like her.. face the things strong and wont give up.. but then no matter how i change myself i still lost.. too much pressure is giving me now.. i oni told my sis tht ytd tht guy is a my frd de frd.. den he jus come and ask me to tell him the situation to let him understand oni.. den end up my sis say why always i noe de frds.. all like so siao lidat de.. hais.. i oso dunno.. mayb my past life im the one who is siao?? den they are the victims which my present life now mus repay them?? i oso wish tht i will know all tis will happened whn i 1st day meet all tis person..

after sis alight at her office there.. i alone sit at the behind row seats.. and my tears drop again.. my whole mind was thinking.. how am i going to protect my own family from tis now.. do i really have to move out of the house.. but i cant bear to let them alone.. even i can move.. where i can still go?? frds all have their own work and studies.. relative in spore i dont have much.. go msia is impossible cos im goin to exam soon.. where else can i go?? everyday slp at somewhere de void deck or park?? even i able to leave the house.. i oni the most can leave for 1wk.. or elsei cannt imagine the image tht my mum will be worrying abt me and keep crying.. i was wondering will my mum tink tht if the 2nd nuer who is born into this world by her de is not me.. is my tht so called er jie who has passed away wifout being born out.. if really she came to tis world.. she will nv gib birth to me le.. den mayb she wun be always worryin le..

whn i reach office.. my tears still keep on dropping.. i keep on putting foundation to cover so tht my dad wont realise.. till now.. my dad went off.. den i come to write de.. cos i noe while im typing tis.. i will surely drop alot of tears again..

while typing.. my sis and andy huang is talking wif me in msn.. andy huang saw my nick and guess tio mus be something happened le.. den i roughly told him.. i know he dunno how to help me oso.. but at least i appreciate tht he is tryin to make me smile abit still.. and ask me to focus on exam oso.. if not my advance diploma wont be able to tmake it liaos.. hais.. i oso hope i really able to study all the way peacefully.. but i really ned to solve all tis at tis timing.. if not.. even after exam.. i goin to advance diploma.. till degree.. all the way keep dragging lidat and my life got no peace at all.. i dun tink i will be able to take it much longer le lo..

Lastly.. if u really happened to be reading.. u sld noe who u r.. Can just treat tht i beg of u.. to let me go peacefully.. at least tis few mths.. let me live peacefully and happily wif those who are precious to me 1st.. im so sorry tht im still not the strong girl tht can handle all tis... if u still wana do all tis.. pls let me stay happily and peacefully for tis yr wif my precious people ard me at least.. after tht how u wana punish me or what i oso wun mind le.. jus few mths of peaceful life.. i reli dun wana see anything of this happened recently.. i still dunno how to face my mum.. i still not tht strong to handle all the pressure and fears..

i dunno what kind of Ivy will i become now.. is all really depends on your decision le.. is either u let me continue to be the Ivy who has a strong determination of doing the things for her future and live happily wif her family and frds and u let her go and wish tht she will have her happiness... or u want me to b the Ivy tht will enjoy her life wif family and frds for tis yr.. and after tis yr.. no more smiles or laughter from her anymore.. like a robot Ivy or souless Ivy after tis yr.. i hope moses have told u what am i facing now just because of all this u did.. and if he did.. i really hope u will realise it and let it go lidat.. if really u will do tht.. even the nxt life.. u wan me to be whatever thing i oso wun mind.. u wan me to be ur pet or ur food or even a pest to let u kill .. i oso dun mind.. treat as i owe u de.. i really feel very regret abt all tis things.. so sorry tht i sldnt let all this few mths de things to happen.. if i nv appear in tht 28th oct 2007 partyworld room.. i might still be happily living wif my family and oso u will be still happily wif ur frds and family.. if i nv appear on tht time.. i will nv make the original u to bcome the u now le.. i really regret tht i ruined ur life.. i nv thought b4 tht something lidat will happened.. all the while is all i started de.. all the things tht makes the situation bcome tis bad.. is all my fault.. i sldnt be tht close to u till i didnt realise tht after 4mths plus the situation will bcome lidat.. i nv knew tht the life will become so different.. i really hope tht whn u woke up today.. u will realise all the things.. and will tell me tht u will let go of me.. wish me all the best for my life.. forever we will just stay as normal frd.. although i noe is almost a 0% chance tht tis will happened.. but maybe is just a hope ba.. to at least make my mind fake for tis for awhile..

徘了徊了走了 错了过了等了累了全都困了 烦的乱的等的 都是真的 疯的想的念的 不安的焦虑的 复杂的梦过的 拥有的失去的怎么忘呢 我的你的他的 好的坏的难的灰的蓝的黄的 酸的甜的苦的 忽然发现这一刻我不想你了 我的快乐 会回来的 只要清楚曾爱得那么深刻 不准问值不值得 我的快乐 会回来的 离开不是谁给了谁的选择 我的快乐 会回来的 真的不行那么只得放了 放了...... 忘了......